


Permanente Alterare

by spockspeak, xavcharlie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, marauders - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Slurs, Suicide Attempt, Trans Remus, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-14 03:15:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4548162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spockspeak/pseuds/spockspeak, https://archiveofourown.org/users/xavcharlie/pseuds/xavcharlie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus Lupin is secretly a werewolf, but there is another part of his identity that he tries to keep hidden when he begins his first year at Hogwarts. Throughout his years at the wizarding school, Remus grows up to become the brilliant wizard he was always meant to be. As the years go by, he learns to truly accept himself for who he is. By the time he finishes his seventh year at the school, Remus has managed to take control of his own life while working tirelessly to improve the lives of wizards who are in a predicament similar to his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to my editor and co-author Dahlia (spockspeak on both Ao3 and Tumblr) for already putting an insane amount of effort into this fic!

The date was March 10th, 1971. Remus Lupin had opened the front door to find his Hogwarts acceptance letter, addressed to the correct name. A miracle, considering he hadn’t yet changed his legal name. Remus was absolutely ecstatic, running into his father’s study to show him the sophisticated green writing on the envelope and the red wax seal on the other side.

His father, Lyall, turned around in his leather desk chair at the sound of Remus excitedly calling out, “Dad! Dad! I got my letter!” Lyall took the envelope from his son and gently peeled back the seal on the front. He removed the letter and unfolded it, reading the familiar words out loud:

 

* * *

  

**_HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY_ **

_Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore_

_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,_

_Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

_Dear Mr. Lupin,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft_

_and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment._

_Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July._

_Minerva McGonagall_

_Deputy Headmistress_

 

* * *

 

 

“Hope! Where are you?” Lyall called out to his wife, who poked her head through the doorway.

“Right here, love, what’s happened?”

“Remus just received his Hogwarts letter,” Lyall told her, beaming down at his young son who smiled widely back up at him.

Remus wrote back to Professor McGonagall immediately to inform her of his confirmed enrollment, including a short thank you to the headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, for allowing him entrance into the school even with his condition.

The first letter had arrived when Remus was ten, and his life had changed. Remus remembered two things about Dumbledore from that day: his glistening beard, and his kindness.

He’d never expected to be allowed to attend school. But then, the letter, from the Headmaster himself, explaining that Hogwarts had a place for every magical child. Even him.

Remus was a werewolf, having been bitten just before his fifth birthday. He hadn’t had much interaction with members of the wizarding world because his parents were worried for his safety, due to the negative stereotypes and prejudice against werewolves.

Naturally they were wary of the challenges presented by attending school. How could their precious child be protected, surrounded by such uncertainty? Even so, Dumbledore’s calm voice was unwavering as he described precautions that the school would take and places where Remus could safely transform during the full moon, away from the castle and his fellow students.

Remus shrank into the couch as he listened to this wizard paint a picture of his future before him. He watched his father looking down, his mother gripping her tea cup with white knuckles.

When Lyall finally nodded at the carpet, Remus almost fell off the couch. He didn’t remember if he had thanked Dumbledore that day because he had gone straight to his father’s study and pulled down the first book he could find about the place that would become his new home.

Hogwarts: A History, it was called.

And home it would be.

 

* * *

 

In August, Lyall and Hope finally took Remus to Diagon Alley for the first time to gather his school supplies for his first year at Hogwarts. The list was quite long, he thought, but he expected nothing less of an institution that taught all sorts of magic he had never even dreamed of.

Lyall asked his son, “Remus, what’s the first item on the list?”

 

* * *

 

**_Uniform_ **

_First-year students will require:_

  1. _Three sets of plain work robes (black)_
  2. _One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear_
  3. _One pair of protected gloves (dragon hide or similar)_
  4. _One winter cloak (black, silver fastenings)_



 

* * *

 

 

“Robes,” Remus answered after fumbling to pull the list from his pocket.

“Great, we’ll stop in at Madam Malkin’s after we make a withdrawal from Gringotts.”

“That’s where the goblins are, right?” Remus asked, remembering what he had read in A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot. Lyall nodded, smiling to himself that Remus was so eager to learn about the world he belonged to.

Lyall led his family into Gringotts Wizarding Bank, knowing Remus might be startled by the goblins’ physical appearance. As they approached one of the goblins to make a transaction, Lyall glanced at his son to find not an expression of shock or disgust, but one of wonder. Of course his son would not judge magical creatures for what they were. Remus only wanted to take in as much of the magical world as was possible.

Lyall and the goblin, Gornuk, exchanged pleasantries and completed the withdrawal. Remus turned around as they were walking out to wave goodbye to Gornuk, who raised a long-fingered hand grumbled a nearly inaudible “Good afternoon” back to the boy. Remus had better hearing as a result of his lycanthropy, and grinned. “Good afternoon to you too, Mr. Gornuk!” he replied as they disappeared behind the closing doors.

As they were walking to Madam Malkin’s shop, Remus furrowed his brow as he realized something. “Dad, there are different uniforms for boys and girls, aren’t there?”

Lyall put his hand on Remus’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Yes, but don’t worry. They’ll have something that fits you properly here. No more shopping in the girls’ section at Muggle shops just because you’re a bit smaller than the other boys.”

Remus let out a sigh of relief, and Lyall ruffled his hair. “Come on, let’s go inside.”

They entered the shop and were greeted immediately by Madam Malkin herself. “Good afternoon, you two! Let me guess--someone’s shopping for school supplies today?”

“Good guess,” Lyall laughed. He remembered receiving the same greeting thirty one years prior. “My son, Remus, here needs his first set of robes,” he told her proudly.

The right corner Madam Malkin’s mouth twitched as her eyes darted to Remus and then back to his father. “Right, well, er--”

“He’s a bit small, but that won’t be a problem will it?”

“No, of course not. Let’s go get you fitted for some… trousers?”

Remus smiled and nodded.

The Lupins walked out of the shop thirty minutes later with all of the required uniform items, happily talking about how comfortable Remus’s new trousers were.

After purchasing a cauldron, a set of glass phials, a telescope, and a set of brass scales, Lyall led his son to Ollivander’s Wand Shop. A bell above the door rang as it swung open, and Ollivander swung into view riding a ladder, kicking up dust as he flew by shelves of old wands.

“Afternoon!” he said cheerfully. “I can only assume you’re here to purchase a wand, so let’s find you the right one, hm?”

Ollivander’s eyes flickered across the rows of wands to his right, and he plucked a dark brown box from the shelf. He slid down the ladder and landed with a thud.

He opened the box and held it out for Remus to see. “Perhaps this one, mister… .?” he questioned.

“Lupin,” Remus answered nervously.

“Ah, perhaps this one, Mr. Lupin. Cypress and unicorn hair, ten and a quarter inches. Very pliable, so no need to worry about breaking it.”

Remus looked at the wand, and then up at Ollivander expectantly.

“Well, give it a wave,” Ollivander instructed in a friendly tone.

Remus gulped and took the wand. He glanced at his father, who nodded to give him the go-ahead. He waved the wand at the lamp on Ollivander’s desk, which, much to his astonishment, turned off.

“Fantastic! I rarely get it right on the first try,” Ollivander exclaimed. “This wand really likes you, Mr. Lupin.”

“The wand chooses the wizard, right? I read that in A History of Magic. It’s my favorite book,” Remus said proudly.

“Correct, sir.” Ollivander smiled down at the keen, young boy. “Well, Mr. Lupin, I wish you good luck during your first year at Hogwarts, and I hope you all have a wonderful afternoon.” He nodded to Lyall and Hope and turned on his heel before disappearing back into the maze of shelves.

“Are we done, dad?” Remus asked his father.

“Yes, I think that’s everything.”

“Well… I saw an ice cream shop earlier called Florean Fortescue’s. Could we maybe stop there before we go home?”

Lyall chuckled. “Of course. You know how I love my ice cream.”

 

* * *

 

At 11 o’clock on the morning of 1 September, Remus Lupin found himself waving goodbye to his parents from an open window on the Hogwarts Express. He could hear his parents’ voices trailing off as they yelled things like “We love you!” and “We’ll write you every week!”

He took his seat in an otherwise empty compartment.

Thoughts filled his head of what the castle would look like when he finally walked through the doors. He remembered reading about the moving staircases and paintings that could talk; about the floating candles in the Great Hall and the giant hourglasses filled with jewels to show the points each house accumulated over the course of the year; about the house elves in the kitchens and the neighboring village of Hogsmeade.

Remus smiled as he looked out the window at the buildings flying by as they turned into fields of green and yellow, sprinkled with vibrantly colored plants and flowers.

Suddenly the door to his compartment was flung open by a young boy with long, dark hair. He was wearing a black, long-sleeve Ramones shirt and jeans with holes in the knees. He appeared to be taller than Remus, and he was out of breath and holding a set of long black robes.

“Pardon me,” the boy wheezed, “but can I hide on your luggage rack?”

Remus stared at him, absolutely bewildered. “Er, sure?”

“Brilliant.” The boy climbed onto the rack and wrapped the robes around himself as he settled in behind Remus’s trunk.

Remus’s eyes darted from the rack to the door again as another boy with messy, brown hair ran by, grabbing the doorway to stop himself long enough to ask, “Have you seen a boy about my height wearing a Ramones shirt, whatever that is? He stole my robes.”

“Er… No, sorry.”

“Right, well thanks anyway.” He darted off in the direction he was originally going.

The first boy peeked his head out from under the cloak and hung upside-down slightly to look at Remus. “Thanks for that!”

“Don’t mention it. So I take it those don’t belong to you?” Remus laughed.

The boy hopped down from the rack and sat down across from Remus. “No, they belong to some boy I was sitting with a couple compartments down the train. I tricked him into closing his eyes while I was pretending to show him a Muggle magic trick, and then I nicked his robes and slipped out. Did you see the look on his face? Was he pissed?”

“A bit . He seemed to be having fun chasing you, though.”

“Good,” the boy chuckled. “I’m Sirius. Sirius Black.”

“Remus Lupin,” Remus replied, holding out his hand to shake Sirius’s. “Nice to meet you.”

Sirius met Remus’s hand with his own, grinning widely.

“Well, you had my back just now, so I’ll find a way to return the favor.”

“Oh, that’s not-”

The compartment door slid open once more. “Anything off the trolley dears?”

“Er, I haven’t got any money,” Remus said, eyeing the Jelly Slugs that were wiggling in their plastic packaging.

“I’ll get something and we can share!” Sirius offered. “What’s your favorite candy? Let’s see, they’ve got Bertie Bott’s, Cauldron Cakes, Chocolate Frogs, Drooble’s, Jelly Slugs, Liquorice Wands, and Pumpkin Pasties.”

“I’ve actually never had any of them. I grew up with mostly Muggle sweets,” Remus admitted.

“Oh, have you had Werther’s? I love those. I always have some hidden in my room so my mum doesn’t see,” Sirius told him.

“I will have to move on to the next compartment eventually, dears,” the trolley lady gently interrupted.

“Er, what do you recommend?” Remus asked Sirius.

Sirius turned to the trolley lady and asked for a box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans. He handed her twelve Knuts and held out the box for Remus.

“Go on, close your eyes and try the first one you pick out.”

Remus did so, and immediately cringed. “What the bloody hell was that? It tasted the way dirty socks smell!”

Sirius laughed. “Well, it was probably a dirty socks-flavoured bean.”

“What?”

“They’re called Every Flavour Beans for a reason.”

“Eugh,” Remus shuddered.

“YOU!” A voice shouted behind the door. The second boy was back.

He opened the door and stood in front of Sirius, who extended the Bertie Bott’s box. “Bean?”

The boy looked at him thoughtfully for a moment before responding. “Yeah, why not.”

He took a bean and dropped down next to Remus.

“Peach. Nice.” He put his right hand forward and introduced himself to Remus. “I’m James Potter. I see you’ve already met this tosser,” jerking his head in Sirius’s direction.

Remus shook James’s hand. “Remus Lupin.”

“That’s a bit repetitive, isn’t it?” James smirked.

“Yeah, you’re right James. D’your parents just really like the moon or what?”

“Basically.” He knew it was funny, but the irony was not lost on him.

The three boys spent the rest of the journey discussing Quidditch and comparing it to Muggle football (“How do they only play with one ball?” “How do you play with four? And on a broom?”)

 

* * *

 

When the Hogwarts Express arrived at its stop in Hogsmeade, Remus stepped down from the train and found himself staring up at none other than Rubeus Hagrid, a very large, bearded man with a smile that stretched from ear to ear. He took the new students to an enormous black lake and ferried them across to the castle in enchanted rowboats. As they glided over the dark waters, Remus looked down to see glimmers of what looked like moonlight reflecting off of tails.

After Hagrid dropped them off at the castle, Remus and the rest of the first-years were led by a slightly intimidating Professor McGonagall to the impressive double-doors of the Great Hall. The doors opened, and Remus instantly fell in love. He was positively awestruck by the enchanted ceiling, which was displaying the clouds and stars of the dark blue night sky currently outside the walls of the castle.

McGonagall walked with the new students to the opposite end of the Great Hall, where they were met by the welcoming, yet expectant stares of the rest of the Hogwarts faculty.

“Now, when I call your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted,” she instructed the group of nervous first-years. She held up a list of names. “Peter Pettigrew.”

A small, wiry-haired boy made his way through the crowd and climbed onto the stool. Professor McGonagall placed the Sorting Hat on Peter’s head, and the hat’s folds shifted to resemble a face.

“Nervous, this one,” the hat commented on the quivering boy beneath him. “Still, I can see he has potential. Let’s go with… Gryffindor!”

Peter let out an enormous sigh of relief and hopped down from the stool to join the older Gryffindors at their long table. A fifth-year gave him a friendly clap on the back and welcomed him to the house.

McGonagall continued down her list, the Sorting Hat placing James and Sirius in Gryffindor as well. Sirius was practically glowing as he took his seat in the sea of gold and scarlet. Finally, Remus was called up to be sorted .

“Remus Lupin.”

He sat down carefully on the stool and awaited the hat’s decision.

“Oh, this is interesting. You’ve got some secrets, eh?”

“Er…” Remus was starting to sweat.

“Not to worry, not to worry, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. If anything, it just goes to show how brave you are--which of course, leads me to think… Gryffindor!”

Remus’ stomach soared, and his chest felt like it could burst with happiness. He whispered a quick thanks to the hat before heading over to join his new friends.

 

* * *

 

After a feast of a multitude of flavorful meats, potatoes, and vegetables, not to mention a wide assortments of rich desserts--which was an absolute dream for Remus, considering that his family only ever had enough to get by--the students were shown to Gryffindor Tower, on the seventh floor.

“ _Quid Agis_ ,” the Gryffindor Head Boy said to the Fat Lady, whose portrait guarded the entrance to the Gryffindor common room. Remus was astounded by the detail in her dress and facial features--she almost looked like a real person standing in an alcove.

“Fine, and yourself?” she replied, allowing her frame to swing forward and reveal a hole through which the Head Boy climbed.

“Come along,” he called back to the students.

Remus and Sirius turned to each other, eyes wide, before following the other first-years through the portrait hole. Remus looked around the common room, familiarizing himself with the portraits, the fireplace, and the various books scattered around the room.

It was exactly like he had pictured it based on what he had read in his father’s copy of Hogwarts: A History. There were intricate rugs covering the floor and soft armchairs scattered about the room. A few of the portraits said hello as he walked past them, and the welcoming warmth of the fire made him feel safe. He couldn’t believe how incredible the room was, especially compared to the small, dull home he grew up in. Still, his home was enough; he had his parents, and that’s all that ever really mattered to him.

“If you’ll all please ascend these stairs and get settled into your dormitories, I’ll bid you goodnight and good luck with your first day of classes tomorrow,” the Head Boy said.

Oh no, Remus thought to himself. The school had done a magnificent job so far of getting his name right, but now it would all be ruined.

He walked up the stairs with the rest of the new Gryffindors and stopped on the landing between the two dormitories. Sirius noticed and hung back with him.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I was just thinking. I read about the staircase to the Girls’ dormitory not allowing boys to go up, and I wondered if it was true.”

“Oh, try it!”

“I don’t know-”

“Go on!”

Remus took a deep breath and put his foot on the bottom stair. Nothing happened. He took a couple more steps, and then--

A rumbling noise came from the staircase, which suddenly turned into a slide, sending Remus toppling into Sirius.

Remus sat up. “Woah.” Heart pounding and head spinning, he felt a chill travel down his spine. He had no idea the castle would provide him with such strong acceptance and validation of his identity. It was hard to stay cool and collected in front of his friend, but he definitely wasn’t ready to tell Sirius yet.

“Sweet,” Sirius laughed. “Hey, let’s go unpack our trunks.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Remus followed Sirius into the Boys’ dormitory, surprised to find his trunk resting at the foot of the bed directly across the room.

He unlocked it to start unpacking when it opened on its own, a book rising out of it and floating around the room. “What-”

“Gotcha!” James said, laughing as he pulled something shiny off his head. He tossed the book back to Remus and said, “My dad gave this to me before I left for school. He said it’s been in the family for generations."

“What is it?”

“An invisibility cloak. It makes you, well, invisible.”

“Wow,” Remus said, his mouth hanging open.

“Are you allowed to have that at school?” a quiet voice came from behind the bed in the corner.

“Technically there’s no rule against it,” James replied. “Your name’s Peter, right?”

“Y- yeah, Peter Pettigrew.”

“Well, Pete, you’re in for a wild ride this year. We Gryffindors have to stick together!”

Peter smiled weakly at James and then Sirius and Remus before getting ready for bed.

Remus looked around the room at his new friends and grinned. This year was bound to be great.


	2. The First Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for Professor McGonagall, Madam Pomfrey, and Severus Snape.

Two weeks into Term, Professor McGonagall asked Remus to meet with her to “discuss important matters pertaining to his physical and mental health, at the request of his parents.”

Remus anxiously made his way to the Defense Against the Dark Arts tower where her office was located, forcing himself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. He had never had to talk to anyone other than his parents about what he was dealing with, and he didn’t really know what to expect. He raised a loose fist and weakly tapped it against her door, which swung open on its own as McGonagall welcomed him inside.

“Have a seat, Mr. Lupin.”

Remus lowered himself into the chair opposite her and watched as she organized the pile of parchment she had been looking over when he arrived. She wordlessly levitated them into a drawer in her desk and looks up at him through her oval-shaped spectacles.

“So, Mr. Lupin, I assume you know why I’ve asked you to see me,” she prompted him.

“Er, that depends on how much Professor Dumbledore and my parents have told you.”

“Well, Professor Dumbledore has made me aware of  your lycanthropy, and your parents have notified me of your other condition.”

“Oh. Er, okay. Erm…”

“Mr. Lupin, I would like to begin by informing you that you may disclose only the information you feel comfortable with sharing.”

Remus sighed with relief. “Thank you, Professor.”

“If you would like, I can ask you some basic questions that you may either answer or skip for now.”

“I guess that sounds okay,” Remus replied.

“Very well.” McGonagall retrieved her quill and some parchment. “On a scale from one to ten, how might you rate your overall mood?”

Remus thought for a moment. “Overall, I suppose I would give it a five. It changes day to day though, so I could be at a two sometimes and a seven at others.”

McGonagall scribbled on her parchment with her familiar green ink.

“And have you ever had thoughts of harming yourself , and if so, have you ever harmed yourself?”

“Er,” Remus started. “While I’m in my werewolf form, I’m away from other people so I end up attacking myself instead.”

“And while you’re human?”

Remus didn’t say anything for a moment, looking down at at his hands resting in his lap rather than Professor McGonagall. “Only thoughts.”

“That is of course, perfectly understandable. However, I ask that you please consider coming to see either myself or Madam Pomfrey in the Hospital Wing if you continue to experience thoughts of self-harm or suicide.”

Remus blinked slowly and returned his gaze to McGonagall.

“Okay,” he agreed.

McGonagall nodded in acknowledgment and moved on to her next question.

“Now, apart from your lycanthropy, would you like to discuss your other condition?”

“No. Or, not yet. I don’t know.”

“No need to fret, Mr. Lupin, you only need talk about it once you feel ready.”

Remus gave her a small half-smile.

“Well, I would like you to see Madam Pomfrey as soon as possible to go over possible treatments for what I assume to be depression and possibly anxiety as well.”

“Oh, er, I don’t think my parents can afford any treatments-”

“The school provides medical potions to all students free of charge,” McGonagall smiled warmly at Remus. “All you need to worry about is finding one that works for you. When you do, I would like you to give me an update on how you’re feeling after it starts to take effect.”

“Absolutely, Professor. May I return to the Common Room now?”

“You may, Mr. Lupin. Good luck with your classes this Term.”

“Thank you,” Remus responded, rising from his seat and exiting her office, proud of himself for making it through the meeting he had previously been dreading.

 

* * *

 

Three days later, Remus found Madam Pomfrey making up one of the beds in the Hospital Wing. He shifted on his feet and cleared his throat to introduce himself.

“Madam Pomfrey? I’m Remus Lupin. Professor McGonagall asked me to see you.”

“Yes, hello, Mr. Lupin! How are you today?” Madam Pomfrey asked him cheerily.

“Fine, thank you.”

“Wonderful! Well, let’s get down to business. Professor McGonagall tells me you’ve been having some trouble with anxiety, and you’ve been feeling rather low lately. Is that correct?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Well, the most basic form of treatment I can offer is a potion called Draught of Peace, which we use to treat common anxiety. It’s perfectly safe, and should help to level out your mood during the day.”

“Sounds good,” Remus replied with just a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

“Along with that, I believe your parents and I discussed treatment for your lycanthropy. An extra dose of the Draught of Peace should help you to gain more control over yourself when you transform during the full moon, and when you do transform it will be in the large, abandoned shack near Hogsmeade.”

“Won’t that be a little suspicious, me going inside a creepy, old building and howling once a month?”

Madam Pomfrey smiled and looked around the Hospital Wing to make sure there was no one else there. “Don’t tell the other students about this, but there’s a secret passageway into the shack. There’s a tunnel under the Whomping Willow, so all you’ll need to do is take a stroll across the grounds and press down on a knot near the bottom of the tree. It will stop moving long enough for you to climb through the hole and make your way to the shack.”

“And you’re sure it’ll work?”

“Absolutely! For now, though, you’ll meet Hagrid at the Whomping Willow so he can show you how to immobilize the tree. Now, if you’d like to try your first dose of the anxiety potion, I have some already brewed.”

Remus nodded, and Madam Pomfrey walked into her office across the hall to retrieve a vial of the potion. He felt a wave of anticipation wash over him.

Was this potion really going to work? He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have less frequent panic attacks about schoolwork or keeping his condition secret from the other students.

Madame Pomfrey quickly returned with the Draught of Peace and poured the appropriate dosage into a glass, which she then handed to Remus.

“You can take this dose, and then a second dose in a week. After two weeks, if you feel you would like to continue with the treatment, you’ll need to have a parent or guardian sign this form allowing us to provide it.”

 

* * *

 

_**HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY** _

_Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore_

_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,_

_Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

_To whom it may concern,_

_You are receiving this letter to inform you of a treatment Madam Pomfrey is recommending to_

_your student. In this case, the treatment will be a weekly dose of   Draught of Peace, 10 mL  ._

_Your student will take two doses (one per week) over a two-week trial period. Please choose_

_whether or not you would like to give us permission to administer the treatment._

_We await your owl by no later than   3 October  ._

_Minerva McGonagall_

_Deputy Headmistress_

 

* * *

 

**_HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY_ **

_Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore_

_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,_

_Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

_Please indicate your choice below:_

  * _I give my permission for Madam Pomfrey to administer the recommended treatment to my student._

  * _I do not give my permission for Madam Pomfrey to administer the recommended treatment to my student._




_Signature of Parent/Guardian: _______________________________

_Professor Minerva McGonagall_

_Signature of the Student’s Head of House: _______________________________

_Madam Poppy Pomfrey  
_

_Signature of the Current Hogwarts Matron:_______________________________

 

* * *

 

“You’ll see that both Professor McGonagall and I have taken the liberty of signing the form already, since we are the ones recommending the treatment. I have no doubt that your parents will be on board, as it was their decision to contact us in the first place.”

“I’ll mail the letter first thing tomorrow morning,” Remus promised her, eager to take the potion in his hands.

“Very good. Well go on then, no use delaying your first dose!” she prompted.

Remus looked down at the turquoise-blue liquid in the glass he was holding delicately, which he slowly raised to his lips. The taste of his mother’s homemade beef stew filled his mouth, and he savored the warmth and familiarity of it as he swallowed. He suddenly found himself feeling safe and content, which he had not truly felt since he was bitten six years ago.

“Wow,” he breathed. “That’s incredible.”

“Yes, it is,” Madam Pomfrey agreed. “Now, the effects are the strongest at the moment you take it, so you should expect them to slowly fade until your next dose. The longer you continue the treatment, the more the effects level out during the week.”

 

* * *

 

Remus and James were relaxing by the Black Lake one Saturday afternoon in November when James suddenly sat straight up and let out a soft “Woah.”

Remus didn’t look up from his copy of _A Beginner’s Guide to Transfiguration_ as he dared to ask, “What’s up?”

“Who’s that girl over there?” James asked with a not-as-subtle-as-he-might-have-hoped twinge of desperation.

“Over where?” Remus questioned, still transfixed by the pages in front of him.

“Over there-” James squeezed Remus’s jaw to direct his vision across the green grass to their left— “the ginger one carrying even more books than you.”

Remus recognized her immediately. “That’s Lily Evans. We sit together in Potions, but I’ve never really spoken to her before—”

Suddenly, Remus felt himself being pulled up onto his feet and pushed in Lily’s general direction.

“Go talk to her. Start with potions, then friends, then—”

“Let me guess, you want me to brag about you so she’ll be impressed and talk to you herself?” Remus smirked as he interrupted his friend.

“Well, I mean, now that you’ve suggested it...” James looked at Remus with the biggest, puppy dog eyes he could muster. “Oh, come on, Remus, you know I would do the same for you!”

Remus rolled his eyes and laughed. “Okay, James. I’ll go introduce myself.”

James clapped Remus on the back as he turned to walk over to where Lily had just sat down under a large, shady tree. As he approached her, he started to say, “Hey, Lily, I’m—”

“Remus! Hey!” Lily looked up at him from behind her book. “How are you doing with this week’s Potions lesson?”

“Not too bad,” Remus answered, surprised she remembered his name. “D’you mind if I sit down?”

“Not at all,” Lily said, flashing a white smile that accentuated her brilliantly green eyes. “What’s up?”

“Actually, er… My friend over there — don’t look, he’s probably looking over here already—wanted me to talk to you for him. He probably thinks you’re pretty.”

“Hm. Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Think I’m pretty.”

“Oh! Er, sure? I mean, not that I don’t think you’re pretty, you do have a very nice face, you really do—”

“Remus,” Lily stopped him, laughing. “I was only messing with you.”

“Oh,” Remus chuckled, a bit embarrassed.

“So. Your friend. Is he cute?”

“He’s fairly decent-looking, I’d say,” Remus shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Well, I say we see how long it takes for him to come over here and talk to me.”

Remus laughed. “It won’t take long, I can tell you that much.”

“While we wait, tell me about yourself.”

Remus didn’t say anything. He didn’t really know where to begin.

“So you’re a bit shy, shall I write that one down?” Lily teased him gently. “It’s okay if you are, you know.”

“I guess I am,” Remus agreed.

“Well, I’m too loud most of the time. Honestly, I never stop. Maybe if we stick together we can balance it out.”

“Yeah, okay. Uh-oh, look who’s making his way over here already,” Remus nodded his head in James’s direction.

“This ought to be good,” Lily said, grinning.

 

* * *

 

Remus could hardly believe it was November, so quickly, but the trees shedding their leaves on the Hogwarts grounds did not lie. In just a few months, whatever worries he’d had about his classmates had lessened significantly now that he knew he had Sirius, James and Peter on his side. He was unsure of a lot of things, but not of them. It was a comfort, even when one of them was in detention for some ridiculous stunt—which was often.

The term flew by just as it had begun. Sirius doodled in class; Remus took notes for the lot of them. James constantly dragged them all down to the Quidditch pitch to watch the team practice. At least once a week, Gryffindors would team up to try and beat Peter at Gobstones. Lily was quite good at it. James grumbled at that.

Remus continued to quietly visit Madam Pomfrey for his potions every week. He’d found that focusing on his friends and happiest memories sometimes helped with the numbness. Not always, but it was good to think of them, especially on those agonizing few nights before the full moon.

When the Christmas holidays finally rolled around, he found he didn’t want to leave. He was comfortable here. He wrote to his parents to tell them he was having a great time and not to worry:

 

* * *

 

_Dear Mum and Dad,_

_I hope it’s alright with you that I chose to stay at Hogwarts during the holidays. My friend, Sirius - he’s the one who hid on my luggage rack, remember? Anyway, he’s staying here as well. He says he doesn’t like being at home much, but he wouldn’t really tell me why._

_I’m doing really well in my classes - especially Transfiguration. Also, Professor McGonagall said to tell you that I’m doing a great job of handling my anxiety right now, and she’s glad you two are so supportive. I am, too._

_Miss you both, and Happy Christmas !_

_From,_

_Remus_

 

* * *

 

Remus woke up early in the morning on Christmas Day to check under the beautiful, glowing Christmas tree that was waiting for him in the common room. There were two presents resting on the carpet beneath the tree—one was a faded blue, square-shaped box, tied up with a thin, white ribbon; the other dark grey, flat, and rectangular, tied up with a thick, black ribbon.

Remus opened the blue one to find a brand new edition of Miranda Goshawk’s _Book of Spells_ as well as Lyall’s copy of _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_ , written by Newt Scamander. Also inside the box was a note from his parents:

 

* * *

 

_Dear Remus,_

_Happy Christmas! Here is a copy of the spellbook you’ve been telling us about, fresh off the shelves, as well as Dad’s copy of_ Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them _, which you didn’t get a chance to finish before you left for school. We felt you deserved a really special present this year since you’ve made such a splendid, yet difficult transition by starting school at Hogwarts. We’re so proud of you, and we couldn’t have asked for a more wonderful son._

_Have fun over the holidays, and good luck next Term!_

_Love,_

_Mum and Dad_

_P.S. — We sent a present for Sirius as well._

 

* * *

 

“Sirius! Get out of bed and come downstairs!”

Groggy and bleary-eyed, Sirius appeared at the top of the stairwell and looked down at Remus by the fire. “Whuzzappening?”

“What do you mean, ‘what’s happening?’ It’s Christmas! Come on!”

Sirius squinted and stumbled down the cold spiral staircase, wishing he had thought to put on his socks before leaving the dormitory. “What’s all the fuss about?”

Remus smiled briefly before nonchalantly informing Sirius of the “present under the tree that just happens to be addressed to someone with your name. But y’know, whatever, Christmas really is the worst, isn’t it—”

Sirius was suddenly kneeling beside him on the well-worn carpet, tearing the ribbon off the box labeled “Sirius” and opening it to find a sketchbook and some graphite pencils that Hope had picked up from a local shop on her day off.

“Your parents?” Sirius asked Remus, who nodded happily. “How did they know?”

“I told them a while ago about how much you love drawing, and how good you are at it. They really like you from what I’ve told them, y’know.”

“I… I don’t know what to say. This is fantastic,” Sirius said slowly, still trying to process what Remus’s parents had done for him when his own family hadn’t even bothered to send him an owl since he left for school.

“I’ll write them and tell them you love it.”

“Yeah, alright. And tell them Happy Christmas from me, too!”

“Sure,” Remus agreed and proceeded to curl up on the couch in front of the fire with _Fantastic Beasts_ , turning to the page he had earmarked about four months prior. He settled in to read “Chapter Thirty One: Hippogriffs.”

 

* * *

****

_**Fantastic Beasts** _

_** & ** _

_**Where to Find Them** _

* * *

__

_**Chapter Thirty-One: Hippogriffs *** _

_ Appearance _

_The front section of a Hippogriff’s body resembles a large eagle, while the rear resembles the posterior of a horse. Do not mistake a Hippogriff for a Griffin—Griffins, while sharing an avian anterior with Hippogriffs, instead possess the hind legs and tail of a lion._

_Hippogriffs are known especially for their strong, steel-coloured beaks, long talons, and piercing, orange eyes._

_ Behaviour _

_Hippogriffs originate in Europe, laying their eggs in nests they have built on the ground. The egg usually hatches within twenty four hours of being laid._

_Young Hippogriffs learn to fly as early as one week into their infancy._

_A Hippogriff’s diet includes, but is not limited to, insects, birds, and small mammals. Many of them favor ferrets above other animals._

_ Etiquette _

_Hippogriffs are remarkably proud creatures, and one should show the proper respect when approaching them. Please take note of the following instructions:_

  1. _Bow to the Hippogriff._

  2. _Wait for the creature to bow back._

  3. _Once the creature has done so, you must maintain eye contact at all times._

  4. _Allow the Hippogriff to make the first move; doing otherwise may cause offense, which could provoke a dangerous attack on yourself._




_Hippogriffs may be domesticated, though this should only be attempted by experts (Please note that, if you are the owner of a domesticated Hippogriff, you are required by The Department for the Control and Regulation of Magical Creatures to cast a daily Disillusionment charm on the creature to keep it hidden from Muggles)._

_Once a Hippogriff's trust has been earned, the creatures have been known to show fierce loyalty to the wizard or wizards who have earned it._

 

* * *

 

“What do you think?” Sirius asked Remus abruptly, flipping his new sketchbook around so Remus could see his first drawing.

It was a lightly shaded sketch of Remus reading _Fantastic Beasts_. A blanket was softly wrapped around his shoulders, and his legs were crossed so that his pajama pants folded and crinkled at the knees.

“Wow. Sirius, wow,” Remus said to his friend. “How long have I been reading? This must have taken you ages.”

“Well, it’s nearly time for the Christmas feast. We’ve missed lunch,” Sirius gestured to the window to point out the rapidly setting sun on the horizon.

Remus looked down at his book and noticed he had read all the way to “Chapter Forty-Five: Merpeople” without realizing how late it had gotten. “I suppose we should change out of our pajamas?” Remus suggested.

The pair quickly put on regular trousers and sweaters before running down the Grand Staircase to make it to the feast on time.

However, after spending nearly an hour sitting in the Great Hall and eating under the enchanted night sky, the two boys decided the food might taste even better in a blanket fort. Once they felt sure no one was watching, Sirius wrapped as many turkey sandwiches, potatoes, and crumpets as he could with napkins before stuffing them in Remus’s bag, and then proceeded to siphon some of the rich gravy and tart cranberry sauce into some of his spare vials while Remus threw in a wizard cracker or two.

When they returned to the common room, they set Remus’s bag down in front of the fire and ran upstairs to rip up all of their bedding and pillows. They each cast hovering charms on everything to levitate it downstairs to the couch, and then carried down each of their telescopes to prop up the blankets.

The boys stayed up as long as they could before Sirius fell asleep with his cheek pressed into one of the sandwiches, and Remus was leaning back on the couch, slowly drifting off to join him.

 

* * *

 

Sometime in February, while waiting for a Potions class to begin, Lily left Remus at their table to sit next to Severus Snape. Remus knew the two of them were friends, and had even sat out by the lake with them once or twice. Severus and Remus didn’t exactly speak to each other, but they were friendly enough.

James and Sirius, though, that was a different story. They were constantly running around, looking for new ways of messing with Severus, whom they had recently dubbed “Snivellus.”

Remus should have known, eventually, he’d get dragged into it.

“Hey Lily, what’s up?” James appeared between her and Severus, interrupting the conversation Severus had been trying to have about flobberworms.

“Don’t be rude, James, Severus was saying something. Actually, have you two met? He grew up rather close to where I live back home in Cokeworth.”

“Yes, I believe I have had the honor of meeting dear Snivellus, here,” James drawled, dramatically extending his arm to sarcastically bow before Severus.

“Oh, sod off back to your Gryffindors, Potter,” Severus growled in return.

“You’re just jealous.”

“Leave it, James,” Lily insisted, but to no avail.

“Gryffindor is obviously the best house, where the brave dwell at heart; their daring, nerve, and chivalry set Gryffindors apart—” James started reciting a verse from the Sorting Hat’s song.

“I suppose if you’d rather be brawny than brainy, that’s your business,” Severus sneered, interrupting him.

James scrunched up his face. “Yeah, well, makes sense you’re a Slytherin, seeing as you’re neither.” **

Severus made to pull out his wand, but Lily placed a hand on his shoulder just in time.

“James, just leave him alone,” Lily told him, staring him down.

“But Lily, he was—”

“I know, but he’s only doing it because you’re acting like a complete tosser,” she told him, rolling her eyes.

Sirius suddenly showed up behind James. “Is everything alright here?”

“Everything’s fine, so go back to your own table, blood-traitor,” Severus spat at him.

“HEY!” Remus overheard Severus’s insult from across the room, jumping out of his chair to confront him. “Don’t talk to him like that!”

“Or what, you freak?”

“Or… I don’t know, just stop being such an arse, Severus,” Remus said, frustrated that he wasn’t better at standing up to people.

“Why don’t you stop being such a girl, Lupin?”

It was a common insult among young boys, but Severus’s words stung Remus like a deadly Doxy bite. His heart started beating at about a hundred thuds per minute, with each thud feeling like the combined efforts of a marching band whacking his chest with heavy mallets. He could feel chills sweeping through his body, which suddenly felt both trapped and exposed, as if everyone in the room now knew his secret.

As he stood there in silence with his friends staring at him and waiting for something to happen, Professor Slughorn entered the room with a booming “Good morning! I’m sure you’re all glad it’s finally Friday—”

Remus punched Severus square in the nose, knocking him right off his stool.

The room fell silent. None of the students were very familiar with physical violence—why would they be, when they could just as easily hex their opponents?

Remus looked at his fist and then down at Severus, who was gingerly pressing his fingers to his nose and then raising them up to check for blood.

“Remus—?” Sirius started.

The next thing Remus knew, he was yanking his bag off his stool and booking it out of the dungeons as fast as he could, unaware of the consequences, but aware he wasn’t capable of facing them right now.

He ran straight to Professor McGonagall’s office to tell her what had happened. She helped him to calm down and gave him an easy detention of helping her organize some essays her third years had recently written.

When Remus returned to the common room later, his friends cornered him.

“That was WICKED, Remus—”

“How did you DO that—”

“Are you alright, mate? Do you want to talk about—”

“STOP.”

Remus raised his voice for an eighth of a second just to make all of the voices stop. The way he spoke was eerily calm.

“It wasn’t wicked, you know I don’t like violence. Still, my dad wanted me to be able to defend myself while I didn’t know any spells, so he taught me how to hit.”

He took a deep breath.

“And no, I don’t want to talk about this. Not right now.”

 

* * *

 

**_HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY_ **

 

_Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore_

_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,_

_Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

_Exam Results for   Remus Lupin   are as follows:_

_Charms —   Exceeds Expectations  _

_Transfiguration —   Outstanding  _

_Potions —   Exceeds Expectations   
_

_History of Magic —   Acceptable  _

_Minerva McGonagall_

_Deputy Headmistress_

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * All information on Hippogriffs was found on Pottermore > Hippogriff, and Pottermore > Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.  
> ** Quote from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
> 
> All the questions from Remus’s friends at the end of the chapter are from James, Peter, and Sirius respectively.


	3. The Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus, Lily, and Sirius develop a closer friendship, and Remus gets to know McGonagall a bit better.
> 
> Warning: This chapter focuses heavily on menstruation and some aspects of "female" puberty.

_No._

_No no no no no._

_This can’t be happening_ , Remus thought as he stared down at his pants from his seat on the toilet. _Not now._

“Mum!” Remus called out desperately through the door, his voice cracking in panic.

He heard quick footsteps that stopped on the other side. Hope tapped lightly on the door.

“What’s the matter, love? Is everything alright?” Her voice sounded expectant with a hint of pity, as though she already knew what was wrong.

“It’s happening, Mum, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do—” Remus wailed through the door before fading off into a series of shaky breaths and disconnected sobs.

Hope crossed her arms and leaned lightly against the door.

“Take a deep breath, love, can you do that?”

Remus sucked as much air into his lungs as possible and held it for a moment. He slowly let it out and asked, “Now what?”

“There’s a box of pads in the cupboard under the sink. After you’ve finished using the toilet, all you have to do is unwrap the pad and stick it to the inside of your pants. Let me know if you need help?”

Remus tried to keep his breathing under control as he followed his mother’s instructions. He pulled his pajama pants back up, tightening the drawstring before washing his hands. Remus looked at himself in the mirror, studying the paths his tears took down the various creases in his face and wondering how no one in the magical community had figured out a way to stop this from happening.

He opened the door to find his mother leaning against the wall and chewing one of her fingernails.

“Oh, love, come here.” Hope held out her arms and welcomed Remus into a comforting hug. “I know this is the last thing you want to deal with, but I am so proud of you for handling it. You are so brave, Remus. I hope you know that.”

“Mum, don’t exaggerate,” he said as tears rolled off his cheeks and onto her blouse.

“I mean it!” Hope smiled and placed her hands on Remus’s shoulders. “I have the bravest son in the world.”

Remus smiled weakly.

 

* * *

 

Lily and Remus were relaxing by the lake one warm, sunny day in September when Remus suddenly felt a dull pain forming in his middle. _Damn._

He gripped his stomach and his face contorted slightly.

“Remus, are you okay?” Lily asked, never failing to notice when he wasn’t.

He let out a slow breath and quickly composed himself before responding. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” She squinted at him. “I can tell when you’re lying.”

“I’m not. Not really.” Remus said slowly. He hated lying, especially to friends. “I promise, Lily, I’m okay.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.”

Remus gave her a fleeting grin as he looked out across the lake. He watched the sunlight glimmering and flickering on the surface, creating hundreds of sparkles as the water rippled back and forth.

“Oh!” Lily thrust her arm out and grabbed Remus by the shoulder. “I completely forgot to tell you: you remember my cousin? The one with the septum piercing?” Lily asked excitedly.

“Is that the kind in the middle of your nose?” he asked, to which Lily nodded. “Yeah, I remember. What happened?”

“Well,” Lily started, “He just came out to the rest of the family as transgender. I don’t know if you’ve heard of that—have you?”

Remus stared at her with his mouth hanging open slightly.

“Remus?” Lily asked, gently furrowing her brow and cocking her head.

“Er—” he blinked. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ve heard of that. How did it go, how did everyone take it?”

“Oh, everyone took it brilliantly! We threw him a surprise party for his eighteenth birthday in June, and he started something called hormone replacement therapy two weeks later. It’s this muggle treatment that helps you look more like a guy–facial hair and a deeper voice and everything.”

Remus didn’t know what to say. His eyes unfocused and drifted down to the blanket Remus was sitting on as his mind frantically searched for a response. _Should I tell her?_

“Remus? What’s wrong?”

His eyes darted up to meet hers.

“Nothing! I’m a little surprised, I guess, but I’m really happy for him. What’s his name?”  
“He went with Mark. I think it’s a great name, and he’s getting it legally changed soon.”

“That’s brilliant. If he has any trouble with the paperwork, my parents could help,” Remus offered, choosing his words carefully. He had always trusted Lily, even more so now that he knew she was so accepting of her cousin. _May as well dip a toe in the water._

“Oh yeah? Did one of them change their name at some point?”

Remus took a deep breath. “Actually, er… I did.”

Lily’s eyes widened in understanding. “Really?”

“Really.”

“So, you’re…?”

“Trans, yeah. I was holding my stomach before because I’ve got cramps from my period.”

Lily thought for a moment. “Oh my god, the staircase in the common room wouldn’t let you up to the girls’ dormitory last year! That’s so cool!”

Remus laughed. “Right? The castle seems to know me better than I know myself.” His smile gently faded back into a straight line as he pulled his knees to his chest and looked out across the lake again.

Lily put an arm around his shoulders. “Hey. I’m glad you told me, Remus. It means a lot, that you trust me like that.”

Remus looked at her and smiled. “Of course I do. It’s actually a relief to finally tell someone.”

“No one else knows? Not even Sirius?”

Remus shook his head. “Don’t tell them, okay? I don’t know if I’m ready yet.”

“Of course, I would never.” Lily shook her head, curls flying in the breeze. “It’s completely up to you if and when you want to tell anyone, but I’m totally here for you if you need anything.”

Remus sighed a huge breath of relief and closed his eyes, tilting his head up to the sky and welcoming the warmth of the sun on his skin. His chest felt lighter than it had in months.

The next day, Remus couldn’t find Lily anywhere. She didn’t turn up until late that evening when she skipped through the portrait hole and pulled Remus off one of the common room couches. She led him up to his dormitory with a smile.

“Wh—”

“Shh,” Lily whispered. “It’s a surprise.”

She made sure no one else was in the room, then sat down on the bed and opened her bag, pushing it toward him so he could look inside. Remus peered into it and found that the bag was bursting with at least ten packages of pads and tampons.

“Lily, what’s all this?”

“I went to Hogsmeade with Professor McGonagall today so I could get all this for you. I figured you probably don’t want to buy them yourself.”

“You’re definitely right about that,” Remus let out a long breath, stunned at her kindness. “I don’t know what to say. I mean, thanks. Obviously. Wow.”

Lily smiled. “Hey, do you know how to cast the _Silencio_ charm? You could it on them before you unwrap them so you don’t get any questions or anything in the bathrooms.”

“Good call,” Remus replied. It had been taking him decades to unwrap his pads in the stalls for fear of crinkling the wrappers too loudly.

Suddenly, Sirius came barging through the door. “Remus, there you are! You’re not gonna believe the prank I just managed to pull on dear old Snivellus–” He paused mid-sentence when he saw how startled Remus looked. “Remus?”

Remus’s eyes darted to Lily’s bag, then to Lily. She quickly interpreted the look and fastened the bag shut. They looked back up at Sirius awkwardly and he raised an eyebrow.

“Well, I take it I’ve missed something?”

“Er–”

“We were just–”

The two of them locked eyes again as they struggled to find an explanation for their weird behavior. Remus shrugged and said, “May as well do it now.”

“Do what?” Sirius asked from the doorway.

“Lock the door and come sit over here,” Remus said, swallowing thickly.

“That’s right dramatic, innit?” Sirius replied, growing more puzzled by the minute. “ _Colloportus_ ,” he commanded as he waved his wand at the door and took a seat on the bed across from Lily and Remus.

Lily took Remus’s hand as she asked, “Sirius, do you know what transgender means?”

Upon hearing the word, Sirius looked just as startled as Remus had been when Lily asked him. “Yeah,” he answered slowly.

Remus took a moment before continuing. _Just rip off the bandaid, Remus. Do it._

“Well, er… I am. Transgender.”

Sirius breathed an enormous sigh of relief and closed his eyes. “You are?”

“Y-yeah.” Remus’s voice faltered, and tears appeared in his eyes.  
Sirius opened his eyes and looked at him. “Hey, Remus it’s okay.” He climbed across the bed to sit closer to his friend, putting an arm around him.

“I wanted to t-tell you, but I was scared you w-wouldn’t accept m-me or see me as a b-boy anymore,” Remus spluttered, shaking against Sirius and squeezing Lily’s hand tighter.

Sirius took Remus’s free hand. “Shut up, you bloody tosser. You’re one of my best friends and undoubtedly the bravest man I’ve ever met,” he said firmly, which got a quick, shaky laugh from Remus.

Sirius sighed heavily.

“What’s wrong?” Remus asked, Sirius’s initial reaction finally registering with him. “You seemed upset before. Why?”

“Because…” Sirius started. “I thought that somehow you had found out about me.”

Remus furrowed his brow and looked at Sirius. “What?”

Sirius buried his face in his hands. “I don’t know what I am, Remus. I feel… wrong, sometimes. Like, I was born male, yeah? And I’m cool with that. But sometimes–I don’t know–I guess I want to at least dress differently? I don’t think I’m a girl, but I don’t know that I’m always comfortable as a boy. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Lily thought for a moment before hopping off the bed. “I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going?” Sirius asked.

“I’ll be right back!”

Sirius turned back to Remus, who shrugged.

Lily reappeared carrying with her a bottle of black nail polish and a hair tie. “Let’s go down to the common room and hang out there until everyone goes to sleep. Then, if it sounds good to you Sirius, I can paint your nails and teach you how to braid your hair.”

Sirius grinned harder than Remus had ever seen him. He nodded enthusiastically before following his friends downstairs.

The last Gryffindor left the common room at around midnight, and Lily wasted no time. As she shook the nail polish bottle, she asked, “Sirius, do you think you’re okay with still using he/him pronouns? Because if you’re not sure, we can try out different ones.”

“No, I think I’m good.”

As soon as their nails were dry, Lily turned to show Sirius how to braid his hair like hers. Remus watched the light dance across her fiery hair as she twisted it rhythmically, the shadows folding over Sirius’s fingers as he tried his best to copy her.

Remus could not remember the last time he felt so free. Remus, Sirius and Lily talked for hours in the common room by the dying embers of the fire, finally voicing some of the thoughts they had never dared to before. Lily was a marvel; she seemed so full of knowledge and ideas about things that might help her friends feel more comfortable in their skins.

“D’you think the rules allow anyone to wear skirts?” Sirius mumbled into a pillow near dawn.

“Dunno, mate,” Remus said. “Should probably ask McGonagall.”

“Mmm.”

“Really comfortable, skirts,” Lily yawned.

“Mmmmm.”

They awoke groaning not long after, the light from the sunrise shining through the common room windows. The three of them were the first ones at breakfast that morning, and Sirius sat proudly at the Gryffindor table admiring his glossy black fingernails each time he raised his fork to take a bite of his scrambled eggs.

 

* * *

 

Remus did not want to get out of bed.

It had been roughly six months or so since his first period, and it hadn’t gotten any easier. No, no. Instead, his once small and easily hidden chest had begun to grow. It was a slow process, for which Remus was thankful, but he was always nervous someone else would notice.

If he had to guess, he was probably around an A-cup by now. Lily had explained to him how measurements worked when she started to notice him constantly looking down at his chest, adjusting and readjusting his shirt. Never missed a thing, that Lily.

Remus’s chest was definitely still small enough that he could hide it under the dress shirt, sweater, and robes required of him by the Hogwarts dress code, but he could never shake the fear that people could see through it all—could see through him.

So, he laid in bed.

With his eyes still closed, he felt the foot of his bed sink down a little. Someone had sat down.

“Remus?” Sirius’s voice asked.

“Go away,” Remus mumbled, his face pressed into his pillow.

“Remus, it’s nearly supper.”

Remus shrugged weakly.

“You haven’t eaten all day.”

Another shrug. He felt his bed shift again, and heard Sirius’s fading footsteps as he left the boys’ dormitory. Remus rolled over.

Twenty minutes or so went by, and Remus felt his stomach grumble. _Too bad_ , he thought to himself. _Not gonna happen today_.

The door to the dormitory creaked open again, but this time the footsteps that came after were accompanied by the wafting aroma of juicy roast chicken, creamy mashed potatoes, and sweet treacle tart.

Remus cracked open one eye to see a blurry Sirius Black attempting to balance Merlin know’s how many food items on one stolen plate. He rubbed his eyes, blinking a few times to make his vision return to normal.

“What’s all this?” he asked.

“I didn’t want you to go hungry, mate,” Sirius answered. “I brought enough for the both of us. Even snagged a vial of pumpkin juice—I know it’s yer favorite.”

Remus’s jaw hung slightly agape. He was still floored by Sirius’s unwavering kindness. He never thought he would be so lucky to find friends like this.

“I’ll just sit with you then, shall I?” Sirius inquired, grinning.

“Oh, yeah,” Remus stuttered, sitting up to make room for his friend on the bed. He gathered the blankets around his body so that Sirius wouldn’t be able to see his chest. Remus felt a pang of guilt for not trusting his friend completely, but there were some things he just wasn’t ready for yet. He knew Sirius understood.

They were halfway through their meal when they heard a thumping noise.

“Whuzzat?” Sirius asked, his mouth full of sausage and chips.

The two glanced around the room looking for the source of the noise, but nothing had moved. The sound continued, and Sirius peered over the foot of Remus’s bed.

“I think it’s comin’ from your trunk, mate.”

“What?” Remus furrowed his brow. He gathered his blankets around him and slid off the bed to investigate.

No sooner than he had clicked open the lock on his trunk and lifted up the top when _whizz_ — two thick textbooks launched themselves out into the dormitory. They zoomed past his bed but were ultimately stopped by the door. As they clattered against it, still trying to escape, Remus and Sirius looked at each other puzzled.

“What’re those?” Sirius asked.

“Erm,” Remus started. “I may have borrowed some books from the library... without checking them out.”

 

* * *

 

“So, Mr. Lupin,” Professor McGonagall sighed. “Would you care to explain why copies of _Intermediate Transfiguration_ and _A Guide to Advanced Transfiguration_ went missing from the library to then be discovered in your trunk?”

Remus wasn’t sure whether he should make something up or tell the truth. It’s not like he was secretly studying dark magic with malicious intent—just some higher-level transfiguration than what they were studying in class. Still, he didn’t want anyone to know why. He opted for silence.

“Nothing, Mr. Lupin? Were you unaware of the books taking up residence with the rest of your belongings? Am I to understand the books simply floated themselves off the shelves, through the castle, and into your dormitory?”

Another moment of silence.

“No, professor.”

“Right. Well then, what were they doing in your possession? You are aware, I’m sure, that you possess the freedom to check out any book that is not in the Restricted Section?”

“Yes, professor,” Remus answered. “It’s just—nevermind. I don’t know.”

McGonagall narrowed her eyes briefly as she pored at him through her spectacles.

“Are you alright, Mr. Lupin?”

“I’m sorry, Professor McGonagall, it won’t happen again—”

“Mr. Lupin, they are only books. I have no intention of incarcerating you for this minor offense. But let me repeat my question: are you alright?” She looked at him knowingly.

Remus stared at her, unsure what to say.

McGonagall stared back for a moment before pushing a crystal bowl towards him and leaning back in her seat.

“Have a biscuit, Lupin.” *

“... Professor?”

McGonagall nodded toward the bowl and waited until Remus had taken one before she continued.

“Mr. Lupin, I’m going to share something with you in the hopes that you might share something with me in return. Alright?”

Remus nodded slowly.

“Now, only a select few at the school are aware of this—Headmaster Dumbledore, Professors Slughorn and Sprout, and now, yourself—I am a transgender woman. Are you aware of what this means, or should I explain further?”

Remus was frozen in his seat.

“Right—well, Mr. Lupin, is there anything that you wish to tell me?” **

Truly, he felt as though she had cast the _Petrificus Totalus_ spell on him.

“... Mr. Lupin?”

His mouth hung open for a moment before finally answering.

“I took them without checking them out because I wanted to learn more about human transfiguration and find a spell that might turn me into a real boy but I didn’t want anyone to know that I was reading about that so I stole James’s invisibility cloak and snuck them out of the library in the middle of the night,” he confessed in one breath.

McGonagall cocked her head and raised an eyebrow.

“For the time being, I am going to ignore the part of your explanation involving Potter. Frankly, I do not have time to investigate his belongings and write him up for another detention. I’m not sure he has time in his _own_ schedule for another detention.”

Remus sighed with relief. He hadn’t meant to rat out his friend, but sometimes if he got too anxious, his words would all come spilling out at once with no firm end in sight.

“As for the rest of it, perhaps you haven’t realized that I am not only the Deputy Headmistress and your Head of House, but I also happen to be the Head of the Transfiguration Department here at Hogwarts School of Witchraft and Wizardry. If you are curious about anything involving transfiguration, you need only ask.”

“Thank you, professor.”

“Unfortunately,” McGonagall sighed heavily, “the spells you were hoping to find do not yet exist. I, alongside Professors Slughorn and Sprout, have been researching various techniques to alter the body through the use of transfiguration, potions, and so on, but we have not managed to make much progress with just the three of us.”

Remus slumped down in his chair, dejected.

“However—” Remus perked up a little. “Perhaps once you’re a bit older and we’ve talked to your parents, we might be able to get you started on some minimal treatment to temporarily ease your dysphoria.”

“I would LOVE that, professor,” Remus replied, struggling to appear calm, cool, and collected. Inside, he was positively bursting with excitement—he had to get back to the common room to tell Sirius the good news.

“For now, why don’t you come meet with me after you get your weekly Draught of Peace from Madame Pomfrey? I’ve personally found that discussing one’s well-being once a week helps a great deal with breaking down some of the stress and anxiety one might carry with them.”

Remus nodded in agreement.

“Good. You may rejoin Mr. Black in Gryffindor Tower,” she said, watching Remus leap out of his chair and head for the door. “Oh, and Mr. Lupin?”

“Yes, professor?” Remus turned back to face her.

“You _are_ a real boy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * quote from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix  
> ** quote from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets


End file.
